New single confronts failure, self-doubt

FOR Filipino R&B artist Jemay Santiago, who is also a prominent online content creator, making music allows her to reveal a more vulnerable side that is different from her more jovial public persona. So, it is not a surprise that her latest single, “1A,” which was released this month, presents a laidback sound and an inner depth.

“The context is that I came to a point where I had self-doubt and suicidal thoughts. I felt like a failure as a daughter, as a content creator, as a public figure,” Ms. Santiago said at an interview on May 18 in Makati City. “I’m able to express it in song when I’m in the recording studio. Doon lang ako nagiging totoo sa nararamdaman ko (That’s the only place where I get real about my feelings).”

To further challenge the glamorized narratives often associated with mainstream exposure and music culture, the song is set to be the first single to be released from her upcoming EP, Depresyon.

“I used to be scared to express myself as a public figure because people might take my weaknesses against me, but I thought it’s better to be authentic, raw, and vulnerable for people to understand who you are and what you’re going through — and for others to relate and realize they’re not alone,” the singer said.

The track showcases hazy textures thanks to the mixing and mastering of Icy D. of Got Name? Collective, and the nocturnal beats care of Mark Arganda’s production. Originally titled “MARY1A,” it was later shortened to “1A,” a metaphorical concept representing prioritizing oneself and personal healing.

According to Ms. Santiago, the number one signifies mental health being first, while the letter A represents beginning. Thus, “1A” openly addresses “the emotional realities hidden behind the smiles, confidence, and success often projected online.”

Being part of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer, intersex, and asexual plus (LGBTQIA+) community also motivates the artist, who identifies as pansexual, or someone attracted to all genders. “I’ve seen hate comments about my identity, about how they think my music is bad, about how I’m just a clout chaser,” she said.

Ms. Santiago explained that people don’t bother to understand once they’ve made judgments about you, adding that she had become a content creator to help with her mother’s medical bills.

“She passed away two years ago,” she said. “Wala man lang akong nagawa. Kaya nagawa ko ’yong kanta ngayon na palipat na ako mula sa pamilya papunta sa sarili ko. Kasi pakiramdam ko rin na nagkulang ako (I wasn’t able to do anything. That’s why I made this song, now that I’m shifting from family to myself, because I felt I didn’t do enough).”

For her, the pressure felt among LGBTQIA+ Filipinos who are trying to find themselves while also facing dangerous thoughts of failure and self-doubt, is quite common.

“We can be the most genuine and very happy, but we’re also carrying our own struggles,” she said. “We have to deal with it alone.”

Ms. Santiago added that music was the best way she found to tap into these unspoken feelings in the community.

“I was 15 years old when I first found out I could compose my own songs. I loved to sing,” she said. “Little did I know, being a musician could be my profession.”

“1A” is out now on digital music streaming platforms. — Brontë H. Lacsamana

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