The View From Taft
By Marissa C. Marasigan
Oscillating on the pendulum of grief
In June, two of my immediate family members passed away in quick succession. The first death, caused by a long-term illness, was more or less expected, but nonetheless painful. The second death, caused by a motorcycle accident, shocked everyone and left me feeling numb. And so, I am doubly bereaved.
Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut of the University of Groningen, The Netherlands, experts on bereavement research, have developed the Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement. As defined by them, “coping refers to processes, strategies, or styles of managing (reducing, mastering, tolerating) the situation in which bereavement places the individual).” The authors posit that people who have suffered loss oscillate (like a pendulum) between loss-oriented and restoration-oriented behavior. They oscillate between avoiding the loss and confronting the loss.
Loss-oriented behavior involves a “painful dwelling on, even searching for the lost person, a phenomenon that lies at the heart of grieving.” Such behavior includes isolating oneself from others at an emotional level, longing for the deceased person’s presence, and imagining what he or she would say or do about something.
In contrast, restoration-oriented behavior “reflects a struggle to reorient oneself in a changed world without the deceased person.” Examples of such behavior are doing new things (singing in the church choir); taking on new roles, identities, and relationships (becoming an MBA student); and distracting oneself from grief (watching a movie with friends).
Stroebe and Schut believe that oscillation allows a person to experience grief in manageable doses. This is because engaging in loss-oriented behavior all the time would be so draining for a griever. The goal is for the griever to demonstrate more restoration-oriented behavior. But doing so immediately and exclusively without taking time to grieve is equally unhealthy. Thus the need to oscillate to cope.
For example, I forgot my sorrow while watching Spider-Man: Homecoming. But I still sometimes keen (keen: to wail in lamentation for the dead) when I am alone.
Coping would be so much easier if family members could focus on mourning in the days immediately after a relative’s death. However, they are usually the ones who have to notify relatives and friends, choose between burial or cremation, select the coffin or the urn, and maybe scrounge around for money to pay hospital and funeral bills if the personal finances and abuloy are not enough to cover the expenses.
Recognizing the stress that these tasks can bring and the need for people to make time for them, some countries have statutory bereavement leave. Canada has three days, to be taken immediately following the day of death. Australia has two days, which can be taken at any time an employee needs it. The European Union has one day.
Sadly, in the Philippines, despite our much-touted close family ties and great respect for the dead, we have no such leave. Representative Alfred Vargas III has filed a bill that seeks to mandate a five-day bereavement leave with full pay to government and private employees. Two other bills seeking a 10-day bereavement leave have also been filed. All bills are pending with the Committee on Labor and Employment.
On their part, how can organizations ease the grief of an employee who has lost a family member? Well, the absence of a law need not stop private companies from granting bereavement leave (or the more general “compassionate leave”) on their own.
At De La Salle University, for example, faculty have a five-day compassionate leave. Managers can also actively listen to the griever, and encourage other workmates to do the same. Distributing the tasks of the griever during the leave would also help so that the griever is not overwhelmed when he or she eases back into the work routine. For example, I appreciate how my co-faculty willingly took over my classes during my leave. Otherwise, I would have had to hold many make-up classes.
For those of us who believe in salvation by confessing Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, death is not the end.
The Bible teaches that we need not grieve like people without hope. Specifically, 1 Thessalonians 4:14 states, “For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died.”
But the Bible also declares in Ecclesiastes 3:1 and 4, “For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven…A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.”
We who grieve can take comfort in the fact that God, too, considers oscillating between avoiding the loss and confronting the loss as normal. And we can definitely benefit from caring, supportive workmates and workplace policies.
Marissa C. Marasigan is Vice-Chair of the Management and Organization Department of the Ramon V. Del Rosario College of Business of De La Salle University. She teaches Business Communication and Lasallian Business Leadership, Ethics, and Corporate Social Responsibility in the undergraduate and MBA programs.
