Before, during, and after — what to do when one partner cheats?
Book
Affairs Don’t Just Happen
By Lissy Ann A. Puno
MOST OFTEN in a relationship, it is the female partner who gets cheated on. So Lissy Ann A. Puno, a Singapore-based counseling psychologist and relationship therapist, wrote a book for women who had been victims of relationships wrecked by affairs.
Affairs Just Don’t Happen is a guide book on how to protect, repair, and recover relationships — before, during, and after an affair.
Discovering infidelity through the course of marriage is one of the most difficult dilemmas to deal with. In an e-mail interview, Ms. Puno told BusinessWorld that this could lead to devastation, and the women involved usually feel powerless, unworthy, insignificant, and alone.
In her 25 years of experience, Ms. Puno said it is more common for women to seek counseling and professional help mainly because there are still more men who engage in affairs. But these days, there are also men who seek interventions as well.
“It is also possible [that it is] because women are seen as the emotional pillars of the home. This role pushes them to ‘keep things together,’” she said.
However, there is nothing wrong with trying to patch things up in a relationship. Ms. Puno said it always takes courage to seek help and it is not considered as weakness. While some people see it as “begging” for their spouses to come back, she encourages women to fight for their relationships with dignity and respect.
As the title of the book suggests, affairs do not just happen. The author said if there is an unmet need in a person’s life that is not filled by his/her partner, that person becomes vulnerable to indulging in affairs.
“It’s as simple as an accidental meeting, a coincidental comment, or a chance encounter with another person that could touch that void and if one starts to fantasize it as something better than what they have,” she said.
Underneath that, the reasons for undertaking an affair could be different for men and women. She said for men it’s usually more sex, sexual variety, the seduction, the conquering, and the pursuit. “It’s more sexual and lustful.” Women, she said, seriously think they are in love when having an affair because they are more appreciated and affirmed. It sometimes could also be about sexual curiosity, but “it’s more of an emotional and love affair.”
The book is divided into chapters focusing on topics including how to deal with the pain, attracting affairs and understanding it, discovering infidelity, emotional chaos, the after-effects, fighting for your marriage, repairing and rebuilding, how to affair-proof a marriage, and how to have a strong and happy marriage.
Ms. Puno laid down real-life situations from her counseling experience to make the book more relatable and present the resolutions one might consider. There is advice in response to common problems such as “handling the confrontation,” “what if he comes clean,” and “the quick denial.” It is, surprisingly, an easy read for a self-help book.
Based on statistics, she said 80% of marriages touched by affairs can recover; the remaining 20% do not.
“If the partner continues to belittle and demean, then one can set the boundaries of letting [the relationship] go,” she said.
She nevertheless noted that since affairs do not just happen, they can be prevented. Affairs Don’t Just Happen comes with caring maps, calendars, questionnaires, and key reminders to keep track of for couples who want to stay in a happy marriage.
Her best advice is for couples to “stay centered and stay emotionally close, stay curious and interested in one another, care for one another in an easy and spontaneous way daily, communicate your needs and desires while understanding that your partner cannot meet all of them, and cherish your partner.”
After all, she said, it is easier to build a strong marriage than to repair one after an affair.
Affairs Don’t Just Happen by Lissy Ann A. Puno is available for P395 in all National Book Stores nationwide. — Camille Anne M. Arcilla
