Negative vibes

IT’S EASY ENOUGH to turn down the sales brochure being handed out by a promo person to passersby at the mall for yet another property development. Just walk faster, even with a walking stick, and wave a hand — Thanks. There’s no need to even get the brochure.

Rejection, or turning down proposals or requests, is a delicate art in our culture of inclusion and avoidance of conflict. (Of course, boxing challenges for charity offer another form of evasion such as an unscheduled trip abroad.)

What an anthropologist calls “Smooth Interpersonal Relationship” (SIR) is a cherished value for Filipinos. This is part of the kinship system which includes even ritual relationships like fraternities and religious links. The effort to avoid conflict and ensure good relations in social interactions affects how rejections are handled.

The strategies for softening the blow of a negative response may include a request for more information (Can you send me an e-mail on the details?), delaying any definite response (Let me ask my staff to study this.), or simply avoiding the pesky supplicant. In the digital age, there is too the simple expedient of not replying to a text request for a meeting — YNR?

Good news can be more straightforward. Simple declarative sentences are fine — you got the dream job you’ve always wanted. Customer feedback on your performance is off the charts. Former rivals now reporting to you genuflect when you enter the room.

What about breaking bad news?

Applications for employment even from the most laughable leafy lettuces (note alliteration) still require deft handling — You are clearly a person of immense talent, and definitely overqualified to be Vice-President of this conglomerate; You may have been misinformed about the worthiness of our company to employ the skills you can more profitably apply elsewhere.

Still, false flattery may be interpreted literally, prompting the rejected applicant to reply with equal bravado. (Sir, I’m willing to lower my standards for your conglomerate. Does the job come with a car?)

The naysayer still has the option to be more direct and not waste time with niceties and opt to simply be rude. Read my lips — No, N-O, nada, no way… the exit is to your left. Still, such a rude response is seldom resorted to. This aggressive approach is bound to create the negative image of a bully to be avoided, even by friends who don’t need anything.

Artful rejections rule our social dealings, extending even to casually solicited compliments. (How do you like my new tattoo?) Appeals for compliments are like rhetorical questions which only require a grunt or a nod, since there is no real desire to invite an honest comment. (You don’t really want to know what I think.)

Is a casual request for dinner to be taken seriously when given in a big group where most have already gotten a formal invitation? Is saying, “we’ll try to make it” considered a firm pledge to drop in? Did you inadvertently join a group that meets regularly?

How refreshing it is, though somewhat off-putting at first, to get straight answers from western cultures! A request with no likelihood of being granted is simply rejected out of hand — No, that’s not for you. Even firing people requires no song-and-dance of pretend grief. It’s a simple note — can you see me this afternoon? (We’ll compute your separation pay.)

When we say, “maybe, yes,” it is no longer distinguishable from a straightforward no. “Slow walking” is an artful way of dodging an issue. Just drag your feet on a reply, whether it is affirmative or not. The issue will resolve itself somehow — Hey, you already got another job.

Maybe we have traded a straight and quick reply with a slow and ambiguous response. When we are confronted by cultures which are more direct and have no difficulty in communicating rejection, we are likely to be offended by brutal candor.

Is it any wonder that event organizers tear their hair out when requesting for RSVP in the invitation? A straightforward “regret,” given too early, can sound like an affront. Not responding has become the default option. At the event, nobody will be looking for the absentee.