Are you getting bored?

THE need to stand out in a crowd or have thousands of followers for social media posts may be over. Keeping a low profile in a very connected world has become an option. Do you really want to be noticed, even to the point of being the target of controversy? Or do you just want to be ignored?

Can you try to be boring?

It helps if you have a soft voice and speak in a monotone with long pauses, minimal facial movements (not necessarily from Botox) and no hand movements. A limited vocabulary, lack of interest in current events (What’s the rally about, again?), and an aversion to posting your activities in social media are effective.

Being boring does not come naturally, except for some who are born with the gift of drab. Dull people can go through life unmindful of the snoring they cause when they open their mouths. What’s wrong with being ignored? Then, you don’t attract ambush interviews.

The quest for boredom aims to lower one’s profile. Whom the gods wish to destroy, they first make controversial. (I don’t understand this hate wave coming at me, just because I bought an expensive watch and posted its price.)

Developing boring skills is in the same category as fleeing abroad to escape investigations. Boredom is an effort not to attract lightning. A social cipher, who is routinely underestimated, more easily avoids investigations.

Averting attention by putting people to sleep or causing their minds to wander is an achievable goal.

Boredom starts with attire. To avoid notice, one needs to wear nondescript clothes, going for earth colors like brown, gray, mud, and rust. No splashes of primary colors are allowed, dispensing with accents like scarves and ties. Can you enter a room unnoticed with no conversation stopping or heads turning in your direction? Invisibility is the reward for plain clothes.

Speech must be reined in. Metaphor and alliteration as well as clever turns of phrase are to be avoided. (My only exercise is jumping to conclusions.) Long speeches are fine if people do not understand what you’re saying. It’s best to go for jargon and express incoherent thoughts in arguments. One can agree with everybody, including those with opposing views.

If one is a lawyer being interviewed for a controversial case, it’s best to drop plain speech and go for legalese like jurisdictional mayhem or appeals to the bench. (Is this about basketball games?)

Being long-winded is a necessary style of speech. People standing from their seats and going to the exits are an accolade of success. (Is the buffet table still open?)

What about simply being quiet and blending with the furniture? The adage “silent waters run deep” is still a persistent belief. Silence is sometimes associated with profundity rather than having nothing to say.

In public speaking, it is not true that using jokes as openers creates interest. The very separation of “the joke” from “the material” can still promote a boring strategy. (Let’s stop kidding around and proceed to our main topic of quantum physics.) When telling jokes at all, it is best to forget the punch line or dispense with the build-up.

The lack of power to improve anyone’s life is a big advantage in reaching the heights (or depths) of boredom. There is no interest at all, real or feigned, in anyone who cannot offer any appreciable benefit to anyone.

Boredom is wasted on those with no material gains to offer. In the flow of things, these non-players are already ignored anyway. These folks need the opposite skills like charm and dramatic attire to be noticed.

The boring CEO of a listed company can be more comforting than a flamboyant contractor who wears expensive jewelry. Would you trust the proceeds of an IPO to someone whose new home displays 20 of his portraits by well-known artists?

Those already reputed to be rich and powerful cannot flee from their natural charisma. Even slumped in a wheelchair and accompanied by a caregiver with flawless skin, the wealthy oligarch exudes charm. Words like “tycoon” and “patriarch” are rarely found in the same sentence as “boring.”

Are you getting bored? This rhetorical question does not need to be invoked when the audience has already left the room.